Abstract of item: Hardwood figurine

[frangipani]

The object is a carved hardwood figurine identified as a human female. Preliminary tests indicate that the figurine is carved from the wood of Fagraea fragrans and dates back from 1800s. The artist have chosen to carve these details: eyes, nose, breasts and mouth. The head is disproportionately large to the rest of the body. She is slender, and shown sitting upright on a circular base with her hands on her knees and wearing a conical hat. Geometric designs (possibly based on plant or animal life) are carved into the base. An examination of the bottom of the base reveals three circular holes of approx. 2 cm in diameter and depth carved into the wood. At the center of the bottom of the base is a slightly larger circle of rough wood, as if something had been snapped off.

Measurements:
Weight: Unknown due to fluctuations
Length: 2.5 meters including base
Width: 40cm at its widest diameter
Origin: Unknown Possibly Sabah (see update)

Object was first identified as a bundle wrapped in cloth (cotton, white, stained with dark brown splotches), tied with rattan. Examination by archeologist, S.A., during the removal of the exterior cover suggests that the object was wrapped with precision and care, presumably indicating that it is an object of importance.

Efforts to obtain an accurate reading of the weight of the object have so far failed. Readings range from 1.6kg to 4.8kg, and each attempted weighting of the object has rendered the machine nonfunctional. Tests on the wood show biochemical anomalies that are as yet unexplained in composition or function. The dark brown stains on the cloth wrappings have been positively identified as that of human blood.

It is speculated that the conical hat may be a woven leaf hat related to the Malaysian topi mengkuang and the Vietnamese nón lá. Due to the preponderance of similar headwear in the region of Southeast Asia, it may be difficult to pinpoint the exact origin of the figure.

Update:

A research assistant, P.L., has been observed giving the figurine a wide berth. Upon questioning, she admitted that she identified the figurine as that of a sininggazanak, a custom of the Kadazans from the Penampang, Kinarut and Papar areas in the west coast of Sabah. A sininggazanak is carved to commemorate a person who has died childless, and erected on the deceased person's paddy field by his or her nearest blood relative -- under customary law, if a person dies without a child, his or her land must be passed on to a blood relative, not a relative by marriage. It seems that the sininggazanak is believed to house spirits that guard the land (a ritual is conducted to ensure this). A great deal of respect is expected to be paid to the sininggazanak, lest illness or death befall those who behave badly.

P.L. further shared that she did not reveal her speculations because "it's impossible" for a sininggazanak to be without a land for which it serves as a boundary marker and a guardian. This sparked off a discussion among the researchers as to the possibility that it she was not brought into the warehouse willingly. However there is not enough evidence to confirm or disprove this theory. One researcher made an outlandish joke, suggesting that perhaps the land travels with the sininggazanak.

Internal memo: If I may make a suggestion to the management, some training for the assistants and interns on what is appropriate to be shared with one's superiors (i.e., everything) would be appreciated. We are dealing with the impossible and improbable, after all, and it would hardly do for shy violets to rob us of possible turning points and discoveries.

Comments

[horusporus]

Well if you like we could institute a daily dose of sodium pentothal in the meantime?

[frangipani]

A swift kick up the backside would cheaper. Hmph.

[horusporus]

i cld swear i saw something for tht purpose in the warehouse....

[geminianeyes]

You mean the automatic paddlers? I believe I saw a few versions of those around in the warehouse.

[nyarlathotep]

You've been looking at the Restricted Section again, I see.

[geminianeyes]

I think one of the interns was cataloguing the machine meant for children's punishment.

And well, you *did* leave the door wide open.

[nyarlathotep]

There's a manual somewhere around that suggests otherwise.

Apparently it was a royal favorite.

[geminianeyes]

Huh.

[nyarlathotep]

Too much side-effects. They get so spacey afterwards, and trying to get an inch out of work from them is almost impossible.

[horusporus]

oh ya like now's any better. i mean, i have to supervise them and buy them lunch? i cannot work in these conditions!

[nyarlathotep]

I cannot work in conditions that do not involve being surrounded by beautiful maidens in bikinis, and yet you still see me working.

Funny how that works, eh?

[horusporus]

yah but urs dun come in a bottle

[nyarlathotep]

Oh, you have got to see the stash I picked up last month.

[geminianeyes]

Did one of those machines include a portable weighing scale with a slider on it? ((:P))

[frangipani]

Oh dear. Yes, indeed.

I fear that it now only works in the presence of a feline not more than eighteen months old.

[nyarlathotep]

This would greatly please me, because KITTEH, but I've discovered that I'm allergic.

Besides, CAT HAIRS IN MY MANUSCRIPTS WTF. GET OUT.

[geminianeyes]

*winces* I'm pretty sure I can find a small kitten outside.

How did you discover that by the way?

[frangipani]

...

You remember that artifact that looks like a silver bowl with cloud-like etchings? It likes cats. Really, really likes cats.

((3RD TIME'S THE CHARM!))

[geminianeyes]

...

I need more coffee.